Are You Controlling or Loving Yourself?

How often do you hear a parental voice in your head that says things like, “You’ve got to lose weight,” or “You should get up earlier every morning and exercise,” or “Today I should get caught up on the bills,” or “I’ve got to get rid of this clutter.” Let’s explore what happens in response to this voice.

We have a very good reason for judging ourselves: the judgmental part of us believes that by judging, criticizing, “shoulding” ourselves, we will motivate ourselves to take action and therefore protect against failure or rejection. We may have been judging ourselves to get ourselves to do things “right” since we were kids, hoping to keep ourselves in line. And we keep on doing it because we believe it works.

Let’s take the example of Karl, who is a high-powered executive in a large accounting firm. Karl has had a heart attack and is supposed to watch his diet. Right after his heart attack, he did well avoiding sugar, fats, and overeating, but after six months or so, he found himself struggling with his food plan. In our counseling session, Karl told me he was upset with himself for having a big desert as well as a big meal the night before. I asked Karl to put himself back into the situation and recreate what he had been feeling.

“Well, I was out to dinner with one of our biggest clients. He asked me a question and I didn’t remember the facts, so I couldn’t answer him. As soon as this happened, that voice came into my head telling me that I’m stupid, that I should have remembered it and ‘What’s the matter with me anyway?’”

“What did you feel as soon as you judged yourself?” I asked.

“Well, looking back, I think I felt that sad, sort of dark empty hollow feeling I often get inside. And you know what - that’s when I started to eat a lot of bread with tons of butter and ordered the desert! I didn’t realize it was in response to that empty feeling that I hate!”

“So the sad empty feeling is what you feel when you judge yourself. Judging yourself is an inner abandonment, so your Inner Child then feels alone, sad and empty. You are telling your Child that he is not good enough. I know that you don’t do this with your actual children, but you do it a lot with yourself, don’t you?”

“Yeah, I think it do it all the time. After I judged myself for not knowing the answer, then I judged myself for eating too much and having desert. And then I felt even worse.”

“So what did you hope for by judging yourself?

“I guess I hoped that I could control my eating and also get myself to work harder so I wouldn’t forget things.”

“It doesn’t seem to be working.”

“No, it just makes me feel terrible. In fact, I can see that judging myself for not knowing the answer made me feel so badly that then I wanted to eat more. Instead of giving me more control, it gave me less!”

“So you are trying to have control over yourself through your self-judgments, but what actually happens is that you feel awful and behave in addictive ways to avoid the pain. I think what also happens is that some part of you goes into resistance to being judged and told what to do, so you end up doing the opposite of what you tell yourself you should do.”

“Right. As soon as I tell myself not to eat so much and judge myself for eating, that’s when I really want to eat. So I’m eating to not be controlled and also because in judging myself I’m abandoning myself, which makes me feel sad and empty, and I’ve always used food to fill up that emptiness. Whew! How do I stop this cycle?”

“You can’t stop it until you are conscious of it. As long as you are doing it unconsciously - on automatic pilot - you have no choice over it. So the first thing you can do is not try to change it but just notice it. As you become very aware of this pattern, you will have the choice to change it. You will have the choice to be loving and caring toward yourself instead of judgmental once you become aware of what you are doing. You can start by noticing every time you feel that empty sad feeling, and then exploring what you were telling yourself that led to the painful feeling.”

Karl did start to notice and over time was able to stop judging himself. Not only did the sad empty feeling that he had experienced so often in his life go away, but he was able to keep to his medical nutrition plan for his heart. When his Inner Child felt loved instead of judged, he didn’t need to eat to take away the pain.

Are You Invisible?

Ellen was brought up to be invisible. She was taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of her own. Her family made it clear to her that her job was to give to them but to never expect anything in return. As a result, Ellen learned to be totally tuned out to her own feelings and needs. It was as if she, as a person, didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others.

When Ellen’s feelings and needs did surface, she would tell herself that they weren’t important, that she was strong and could handle not having her feelings cared for and or her needs recognized. She convinced herself that if she just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about her. It never happened.

The inner stress of never attending to her own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on Ellen’s health. Ellen is now dealing with cancer and finally has to attend to herself.

Many of us have learned to be invisible – to ourselves and to others. What are some of the ways you create invisibility?

    * Do you remain silent, not speaking up for yourself, when feeling discounted or unseen by others?

    * Do you ignore your own feelings and needs in deference to others?

    * Do you go along with what others want, even if you really want something else?

    * Do you accept blame for things that you know are not really your responsibility?

    * Do you put aside your own opinions and accept the opinions of others to be accepted?

    * Do you accept disrespectful behavior from others, finding ways to excuse the behavior?

    * Do you pretend everything is okay when you are really feeling lonely or sad?

    * Are you conflict avoidant, preferring peace at any cost rather than rock the boat?

    * Are you carrying too much of the load at home or at work, without complaint?

    * Do you pretend to like a food, a movie, a topic of conversation, or sex, rather than run the risk of disapproval or rejection?

    * Do you allow yourself to be violated in any way – physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually – to avoid rejection?

    * Do you allow others’ anger or bullying to control you into doing what they want?

    * Do you do everything yourself, never asking others for help?

How often do you end up feeling unappreciated, unseen, not valued? How much of this is a reflection of how you treat yourself?

If your own feelings and needs are invisible to yourself, they will end up being invisible to others. It is not realistic to constantly put yourself aside and then expect others to value and respect you. Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behavior in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.

If you have been allowing yourself to be invisible for a long time, it is a real challenge to start to care about yourself. You need to be willing to go through a difficult period of feeling others’ anger and resentment. After all, you trained them for years to not have to care about you or see you, and now you are changing the rules. They won’t like it, but they will eventually respect you for it. You will also discover in the process of caring about yourself who really cares about you and who has just been using you. Those people who really care about you will eventually applaud your self-care, while those who were just using you will go away or be constantly angry with you for changing.

It takes great courage to shift from invisibility to being seen and valued. It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose yourself. Yet, like with Ellen, your very life may depend upon it. Hopefully, you will not wait until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to become visible to yourself.

It must start with yourself – with learning to tune into, acknowledge, value, and take loving action for yourself regarding your own feelings and needs. It means moving into personal responsibility for your own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hopes they will eventually take care of you. If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!

Assist the Universe In Manifesting Your Desires

So you think understand the principles of manifesting but you cannot explain why these things are not coming to you.  You believe that we create our reality.  You understand the laws of attraction, and believe that what we think about we attract into our experience.  You have even been practicing these principles, that is, when you remember to.  When you think about it, you are repeating affirmations such as:  My perfect relationship is available and I deserve to have it.  My income level is constantly increasing.  Okay, then, why is that perfect relationship or more income not what you’re experiencing?

You may be trying to blame your parents for instilling some limiting belief that money is bad or that there is something spiritual about suffering.  It really doesn’t matter where some of your beliefs come from or how many of them you have.  There is a way around this.  You need to focus on the beliefs that do serve you better such as:  The Universe is full of abundance.  The Universe wants to bring my desires to me.  Even the Bible says, Ask and it shall be given.   

You may be feeling unworthy.  If you don’t think that you deserve to be happy and successful, how can you possibly create that in your life?  Remember again, that the Bible tells us that all things are possible.  

You keep waiting.  Okay, so you are 1) believing that it IS possible to have all you desire.  And, 2) you are now feeling worthy.  You feel like you have done your part and now you are just waiting for the Universe (or God, if you prefer) to fulfill those desires.  There is another little piece here that could perhaps be the missing link.  Take action.  But wait a minute here you say.  I thought that I just have to ask and know that the Universe will supply, and presto! it appears.  Let’s see how taking action can assist in this process.  

When you take action, any action in the direction of your desire, you are showing the Universe that you are serious.  It also facilitates the process because you have focused your attention on your action instead of your waiting.  This action need not be huge earth-shattering stuff.  This action can come from feeling of inspiration, intuition, or even coincidental events.  One very important thing to keep in mind when you do take action:   be sure to feel good about it, about yourself and what you want beforehand.  Now you know how to assist the Universe in fulfilling your dreams.